Oh good GODS PantheaCon. It was an intense year.
When my body and especially my hands have recovered enough to write something more thorough up, I will return here, but right now I can barely walk!
I will say this: I am very grateful for a lot of people this year. I walked through PantheaCon carrying a lot of pain, mostly emotional and sensory rather than physical, but at times physical pain as well. A lot of people reached out to me, supported me, and expressed understanding. Most importantly to me, they told me I was still wanted, that I was missed when I was gone, still known, still cared for, and that they really wanted me, even when they don’t really need me.
For me it’s very important to hear that. I have a sense that I am often needed because people perceive my various talents and competencies, and they want me to use them on their behalf. And that’s fine, as far as it goes. But when, the moment the need is met, I become superfluous, when I’m just in the way unless I’m meeting someone else’s needs, then I just end up feeling exhausted and used.
It’s all too easy for me to feel that way at the end of a PantheaCon, with so many rituals to support, so many strangers asking for advice, so many people expressing their various intense NEEDS to me. I feel compelled to help as much as I am able, but if I don’t hold some of myself back, I become less and less able over time.
To know that I’m valued beyond that, beyond meeting people’s needs, that I am not just needed and then discarded, I am truly wanted and cared for…
That’s telling me I am loved.
That is something I really needed to know.